Quotes by Steven Wright

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“ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. “

-Steven Wright-

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Introducing Steven Wright